Score: 4

"It's amazing..."

submission: Crush the Castle: PP

date: October 7, 2009

... that you managed to (brutally I imagine) extract a sequel from what was originally a weak game, both conceptually and in execution.

For a start, the physics are completely erratic. A guy wobbling slightly will be "killed" and yet one who is thrown up in the air will land on the ground without so much as a scratch on his pixely armour. And somehow, hitting the same spot will result in a different outcome each time.

The catapult is awkward to control and nigh-on impossible to judge. You can sometimes get a rough idea of where you are aiming, but for all practical purposes this game relies solely on chance.

Perhaps there would be an element of strategy to it if you didn't have to get nearly every single one in one shot to earn a gold medal.

It seems to me you've prioritised difficulty against entertainment here, I know that challenging games are generally more fun but this just takes the piss. If I wanted to be frustrated I would go to a fashion show and look at all the girls I'll never have sex with.

And what's with all the fucking noises when the level starts? They're just annoying...

Oh yeah, and if you're going to make a walkthrough video for a game, make sure that following your method will produce the same result for someone watching.

In short, to anyone reading this before playing - Don't bother, go play something fun instead.

Score: 1

"Unoriginal, unchallenging and unattractive."

submission: Imagedisorder Amber Heard

date: September 2, 2009

Conceptually you've got nothing here. It's an overused variation of the slider-puzzle, only without the actual difficulty of only being able to move one block at a time. The game presents no challenge to anyone with a handful of brain cells, and consequently no reward for completing this exercise in mediocrity.

The picture quality on the puzzles wasn't even good either. You've clearly scaled down the pictures from much larger ones, which leaves the lines looking choppy and jagged. It makes your game look rushed, and poorly implemented. This could be easily fixed using either a "soften" tool on any image-editor, or just by using appropriately-sized images to start with.

The music was ok, and the sound quality was decent. Congratulations, you earned one star for that.

This game wouldn't even challenge a 6 year old, and seeing as the main demographic of NG is male 13+ year olds, I don't really think this is the place for you or your games. Even the few girls that do come on here are probably a bit more mature than those you would expect this to appeal to. And seeing as your most popular game still only has 2000 views, I think my point has been proved.

And who the fuck is Amber Heard?!

Score: 6

"It's good"

submission: Lastman

date: July 4, 2009

Review title says it all. It's good, but nothing too special.

The graphics aren't great, but I don't want to mark you down for that as it fits the style of game perfectly; very reminiscent of the old SMB games... actually I think you've mentioned it as a reference in your description of the game.

The gameplay is fairly standard, fun but again nothing too revolutionary. The difficulty is at a perfect level to provide a decent challenge, but still proves to be fun. The frustration you feel at the countless deaths is actually quite... funny. I get the feeling that it was intentionally made this hard just to annoy people, and somehow that makes the whole thing like one big joke. Reminds me of The Unfair Patformer and I Wanna Be The Guy.

I think the game suffers from the lack of music, a nice wee 8-bit style track would certainly help to pass the time through the inevitable mountain of lives you will lose. What sounds were there, fitted in perfectly.

And then we come to the ads. I played this before you upped the ad count to 20 lives and thought it was extremely intrusivey. I'm all in favour of artists putting ads in their work, but when the gameplay suffers as a result, you start to lose sympathy for them. I think you've found a nice balance now though with 20 lives per ad.

I always find this kind of game hard to score, because you can't really mark people down on graphics or gameplay when they're effectively trying to emulate a past genre/style. Originality is really one of the few areas that this game is lacking hugely, and I feel I must mark you down heavily on this.

Score: 3

"Hilarious!"

submission: Widescreen Layout Fun

date: May 27, 2009

It's hard to review this seriously as a flash submission, seeing as there is little/no animation involved, no sound, and no voices.

However, when I pressed "wide-screen" I roared with laughter. I feel really bad that I voted zero on this now. It's immature to say the least, but it's synonymous with pretty much all the content on Newgrounds. Cock jokes are those rare things that keep the inner-child in all of us alive.

The cock itself isn't brilliantly drawn, but it's ok. I gave you a 3 here, 2 for the sheer level of laughter it invoked, and 1 for the artwork. Since it was so lacking in all the other usual elements of flash movies it's hard to score it any higher.

I'm surprised I managed to write this much about a picture of a penis. I guess it's a testament to my uncanny ability for writing more than is actually needed.

I urge anyone who views this to press the wide-screen button before they judge this flash. If you still give it a zero, you are dead inside.

Score: 4

"Just the same old tired shite..."

submission: Madness Everywhere Collab

date: April 15, 2009

I find it amazing that Madness still gets all this attention these days, since every possible variation on it has been done to death. This flash seemed to me to be a prime example of that.

In terms of creativity, you score low. Sure the Red-Bull thing was slightly original, but everything else was a carbon-copy of every other madness flash ever made. Not that that is even saying much, because every damn one is the same. Someone walks (hobbles really) into a room with weapons, either dual pistols or some variation of gun/sword combo. Occasionally there are lasers. Said person then proceeds to kill X amount of other people, then exits room, possibly to next room of X amount of people to kill.

I'm not saying that senseless violence isn't funny or entertaining sometimes, but when it's been done to death like this, you can't help but feel bored by it all.

Sound quality was poor in places. Although I am aware that that may have been compromised purely to keep filesize under the 10MB limit.

Some of the animation was quite good, others seemed a bit simplistic. I've given you a 4 for that.

I'm not saying this flash is terrible, but it lacks substance. If you keep making flash based on a previous artist's work nothing you do will ever stand out. There is talent here, but a bit of originality would really make any of your work(s) stand out above the shit.

And I know that this review will probably be marked as useless by all the stupid Madness fanboys, but I'm ok with it.

Score: 4

"Hahaha!"

submission: Jade Does A Dance

date: March 21, 2009

This actually made me chuckle...

I can understand why you're doing it. I don't know how the public are still putting up with all her bullshit. The only solace we can find is that soon she will be gone from our lives. Unfortunately this probably means that some other piece of scum, racist, ugly, moron will rise up through the shit to take her place.

Rant over, back to the flash.

The music is rather entertaining and fit the piece brilliantly. The eclectic use of staccato strings seem to accentuate the movement of Jade in her dance.

The animation is simple, but effective and the drawing gives a truly realistic portrait of Jade's figure. It is a bit of a short loop though, and offers little variation. I know that really isn't the point of the flash, but I feel I should mark you down for it.

TL;DR Cancer is too slow

Score: 9

"Best game I've played all year"

submission: Totem Destroyer 2

date: February 5, 2009

This was definitely worth the wait. Graphically, it is just stunning. Luis deserves a massive pat on the back for all this. The menus flow brilliantly, and the in-game graphics are brilliant too.

In terms of gameplay, this is quite challenging. There doesn't seem to be an easy start with any sort of learning curve. It seems to me that you are expected to play the first instalment before this... (good way of plugging your old game, hehe.)

I didn't have my sound on so I can't comment on the sounds. But judging by the rest of it, I think I can safely assume that it is excellent ;)

Overall, a stunning game. 10 years ago, you might have expected to pay for something like this. Just goes to show the quality that flash gaming is at today. Well done, now go get yourself a beer on me.

Score: 7

"Hehe"

submission: DUCK SIM 2008

date: January 26, 2009

I couldn't help but laugh at this. I don't know why but the simplicity of it, and perhaps imagining the response of of a lot of people on newgrounds, made me laugh.

Graphically it's quite primitive, but I don't really think this would work with anything else.

In terms of interactivity, you can click and the head bobs down. Release, and it comes back up! So that's that box ticked.

The music was brilliant. It really added to the ambient feel of the game, and helped envision the life of a duck.

I don't know why, but I just love all these simple flashes we seem to be getting. I think it's because with all the really complicated movies and games around these days it's quite surreal to see something so basic, and obviously tongue-in-cheek. Hat's off to you sir, fight the power!

=p

Score: 8

"I actually rofl'd!"

submission: Butt Fight: Raw

date: January 22, 2009

This is brilliant! I burst out laughing as soon as it came up on screen, now my sides hurt. The drawings are simple but that doesn't take anything away from the movie. The fighting action reminds me of those fighting robot things. I think they were called "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots", but I digress.

Anyway, its simple and great for a laugh.
Obvious space for a sequel: Boob Fight!

Also, I'm expecting lot'sm of abusive reviews on this, so thanks in advance for getting my whistle up.
=D

Score: 8

"Hahahaha!"

submission: Dressup Abe

date: January 19, 2009

I loved this obvious parody of dress up games. The graphics are simple, but effective, the sound quality is excellent, and like all good flashes it contained shoop! Memes FTW!