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All 27 game Reviews


Crush the Castle: PP Crush the Castle: PP

Rated 2 / 5 stars

It's amazing...

... that you managed to (brutally I imagine) extract a sequel from what was originally a weak game, both conceptually and in execution.

For a start, the physics are completely erratic. A guy wobbling slightly will be "killed" and yet one who is thrown up in the air will land on the ground without so much as a scratch on his pixely armour. And somehow, hitting the same spot will result in a different outcome each time.

The catapult is awkward to control and nigh-on impossible to judge. You can sometimes get a rough idea of where you are aiming, but for all practical purposes this game relies solely on chance.

Perhaps there would be an element of strategy to it if you didn't have to get nearly every single one in one shot to earn a gold medal.

It seems to me you've prioritised difficulty against entertainment here, I know that challenging games are generally more fun but this just takes the piss. If I wanted to be frustrated I would go to a fashion show and look at all the girls I'll never have sex with.

And what's with all the fucking noises when the level starts? They're just annoying...

Oh yeah, and if you're going to make a walkthrough video for a game, make sure that following your method will produce the same result for someone watching.

In short, to anyone reading this before playing - Don't bother, go play something fun instead.



Lastman Lastman

Rated 3 / 5 stars

It's good

Review title says it all. It's good, but nothing too special.

The graphics aren't great, but I don't want to mark you down for that as it fits the style of game perfectly; very reminiscent of the old SMB games... actually I think you've mentioned it as a reference in your description of the game.

The gameplay is fairly standard, fun but again nothing too revolutionary. The difficulty is at a perfect level to provide a decent challenge, but still proves to be fun. The frustration you feel at the countless deaths is actually quite... funny. I get the feeling that it was intentionally made this hard just to annoy people, and somehow that makes the whole thing like one big joke. Reminds me of The Unfair Patformer and I Wanna Be The Guy.

I think the game suffers from the lack of music, a nice wee 8-bit style track would certainly help to pass the time through the inevitable mountain of lives you will lose. What sounds were there, fitted in perfectly.

And then we come to the ads. I played this before you upped the ad count to 20 lives and thought it was extremely intrusivey. I'm all in favour of artists putting ads in their work, but when the gameplay suffers as a result, you start to lose sympathy for them. I think you've found a nice balance now though with 20 lives per ad.

I always find this kind of game hard to score, because you can't really mark people down on graphics or gameplay when they're effectively trying to emulate a past genre/style. Originality is really one of the few areas that this game is lacking hugely, and I feel I must mark you down heavily on this.


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Widescreen Layout Fun Widescreen Layout Fun

Rated 1.5 / 5 stars

Hilarious!

It's hard to review this seriously as a flash submission, seeing as there is little/no animation involved, no sound, and no voices.

However, when I pressed "wide-screen" I roared with laughter. I feel really bad that I voted zero on this now. It's immature to say the least, but it's synonymous with pretty much all the content on Newgrounds. Cock jokes are those rare things that keep the inner-child in all of us alive.

The cock itself isn't brilliantly drawn, but it's ok. I gave you a 3 here, 2 for the sheer level of laughter it invoked, and 1 for the artwork. Since it was so lacking in all the other usual elements of flash movies it's hard to score it any higher.

I'm surprised I managed to write this much about a picture of a penis. I guess it's a testament to my uncanny ability for writing more than is actually needed.

I urge anyone who views this to press the wide-screen button before they judge this flash. If you still give it a zero, you are dead inside.


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Totem Destroyer 2 Totem Destroyer 2

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

Best game I've played all year

This was definitely worth the wait. Graphically, it is just stunning. Luis deserves a massive pat on the back for all this. The menus flow brilliantly, and the in-game graphics are brilliant too.

In terms of gameplay, this is quite challenging. There doesn't seem to be an easy start with any sort of learning curve. It seems to me that you are expected to play the first instalment before this... (good way of plugging your old game, hehe.)

I didn't have my sound on so I can't comment on the sounds. But judging by the rest of it, I think I can safely assume that it is excellent ;)

Overall, a stunning game. 10 years ago, you might have expected to pay for something like this. Just goes to show the quality that flash gaming is at today. Well done, now go get yourself a beer on me.



DUCK SIM 2008 DUCK SIM 2008

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

Hehe

I couldn't help but laugh at this. I don't know why but the simplicity of it, and perhaps imagining the response of of a lot of people on newgrounds, made me laugh.

Graphically it's quite primitive, but I don't really think this would work with anything else.

In terms of interactivity, you can click and the head bobs down. Release, and it comes back up! So that's that box ticked.

The music was brilliant. It really added to the ambient feel of the game, and helped envision the life of a duck.

I don't know why, but I just love all these simple flashes we seem to be getting. I think it's because with all the really complicated movies and games around these days it's quite surreal to see something so basic, and obviously tongue-in-cheek. Hat's off to you sir, fight the power!

=p



Dressup Abe Dressup Abe

Rated 4 / 5 stars

Hahahaha!

I loved this obvious parody of dress up games. The graphics are simple, but effective, the sound quality is excellent, and like all good flashes it contained shoop! Memes FTW!


Emby responds:

I'M FIRIN MAH LAZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!


Ragdoll Cannon: Remake Ragdoll Cannon: Remake

Rated 4 / 5 stars

Great game

This is a brilliant game. It looks good and the physics are pretty much perfect, some collision issues but nothing major. The difficulty level was perfect as well. Not too tricky, yet hard enough to provide a pretty decent challenge. It's good fun, an excellent time-waster.

Needs moar sequel!



Make Your Own Story!!! Make Your Own Story!!!

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

My story :)

Once upon a time, there was a creamy kingdom called Vag-hole. Everything was peaceful in Vag-hole until one day a sticky creature called Gays attacked. Gays had the penis of a Dyke and the nipple of a Jew. He destroyed the whole kingdom and took the princess hostage. It was up to one salty knight to save Vag-hole, and that knight's name was Cocklock. As soon as Cocklock heard that the kingdom was being attacked, he got his lucky white armor and started riding his Fag to Gays' lair. He took his shitty meat sword and raped the beast's sphincter. The beast screamed cock!!! And then cried at Cocklock almost killing him. Cocklock used his last bit of energy to ejaculate Gays away. Thanks to Cocklock, the kingdom of Vag-hole was saved and Cocklock and the princess lived happily ever after.



Wallace & Gromit: Top Bun Wallace & Gromit: Top Bun

Rated 4 / 5 stars

Awesome!

I've loved Wallace & Gromit for years... and this game didn't disappoint. The forklift-style contraption was a little sluggish at first, which was annoying, but once you got the upgrades everything flowed beautifully. The game was a bit short but still very fun, a good timewaster... I couldn't help but smile at Wallace's in-game comments...

Can't wait for the new film!



(Twisted) Cooking Mama (Twisted) Cooking Mama

Rated 1 / 5 stars

unsurprisingly inaccurate

First things first, why was the turkey bleeding while being plucked. Anyone who has pluck a bird knows that they never bleed. If you're trying to make an informative game, do your research first eh? Every effort seems to have been taken to make the real meat seem as unappetising as possible.

I hate PETA's preachy propaganda-esque media. Their hyperbole-ridden slogans seem to hide what intelligence they may have. Their main argument seems to be that if you, the viewer, were to stop eating meat, somehow that would stop animal cruelty, save battery hens, and overall, make the world a better place. This is bollocks. By all means, stop eating caged hens, but there are a wide range of free-range options available for all you people with consciences. This also means that meat farmers will not go out of business, and will be able to afford food and warmth for their family, thus increasing hteir chances for living. Vegetarians take this money away from them, leaving them hungry, cold and alone (their wives left them because they had no money). Thanks to vegetarians, the farmers will now die from starvation.

Vegetarianism is murder!

See? I can do it too!